Desperate

My parents and my brother are in the living room fighting about my health. My brother says, if anything, this is what I must fight for. Not grades, not others, me. I think that is what most hurts me about the whole thing- knowing that when I'm in pain, I am very blind to the human condition around me. A girl today, a regular at the cafe, came in. She is mentally handicapped and couldn't count the correct change. Instead of realizing she needed help, I waited the longest time before asking her. I'm sure she was very embarassed, for when I did, she said, "yeah, i..." and fumbled with her words. At the same moment, a gentleman customer gave me $5, and told me to use it for her purchase. What an amazing individual. He knew she was in trouble and he responded with such benevolence.

I'm so grateful for people who are willing to fight for me. Maybe it really is Jesus.

Moving On

This year is all about enjoyment. Work hard, play hard. Spend the generous time I have doing what I've been wanting to do- dance. I dislike most other forms of exercise, so I really gotta get after my dance technique. Take some trips... visit friends before I rejoin society as a productive member with real responsibility. Save some mula, or not. Volunteer at the Tarrant Area Food Bank. Savor life here, even it isn't my ideal life. I don't want to die tomorrow having wished my life away.

This summer has been -undoubtedly- amazing. New York, Austin twice... Its just these past few weeks I've realized its back to square one. I didn't take the internship, I didn't go to Pepperdine...I chose to stay. So I'm gonna make it worthwhile. Even without Kathryn (my support in so many ways)...

I know that I pull away from relationships for some reason. Thats something else thats gonna change. I have no right to rob others of my love (j/k). Really I just need to be open to commitment/pain, rather than fearful of it.