il faut luter, mais ca vaut la peine

i don't know why, but i am committed to making life difficult.

what do the antiquarians have to say about this?

first, they say to learn your history. this provides perspective.

maybe thats why i gravitate to older people. for example, i can't think of anyone i'd rather live with right now than my aged belgian mother. we talked for like three hours last night in french, which was good practice, although at one point i said "if i ever marry myself..." when i meant "if i ever marry" because i thought the verb "to marry" was reflexive...i digress. i think she satisfies my hunger to recognize that life goes on and we age and everything is going to be ok, despite my current trivial emergencies. its like old men at church in their cadillacs. its reassuring to see them. perhaps we should all live with the mindset of a retired person.

so last weekend i went to brugges and ghent and toured some WWI sites (graveyards, the Wall, the Flanders Field Museum, trenches) and have come to a much greater appreciation for the hatred of war. i'm not making an Iraq commentary here, but its not a generalization to say that europeans are socialized to hate war, thus the ambient feeling towards this particular one. to make it short, i hate that it exists, and yet i know in some cases it may be necessary. but regarding WWI, WWII and Iraq, its clear that most europeans consider Iraq another WWI, a fight without reason. which is why they've renegued from joining and taken the 'world' out of it. war stirs questions of motivation, of dedication, being dedication to a cause and dedication to your inner conscience to question everything you do. its clear that people here relive the wars everyday, no exxageration. in ghent there is an 8pm taps tribute (of sorts) everynight, with a military procession through the menen gate, not to mention that the city streets go right pass graveyards, covered in poppies. if you've seen the film 'joyeux noel' released two years ago, which commemorates the 1914 Christmas when entrenched soldiers of all sides emerged from their holiday holes and rejoiced together, you can see the morass that is our blood-thirsty nature.

another thought i had, after seeing the music film Control. ian, the lead singer, gets married very young, it seems w/o much thought but blinded by infatuation, and eventually leaves his wife and daughter for a foreign attraction, the quintessential desire for the exotic (of which i'm guilty i admit, hence my current geographic location), but which in this case is desastrous. what was his fault? why did he feel the need to leave her and go with the seductive belgian? is it because his wife was not quite as skinny, or interesting? i don't think it was anything to do with her sex appeal. but she doted on him just as much as the other girl, so it couldn't be that she engendered feelings of inadequacy as a father or husband. to be of the "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" mindset, i know i am of good age to be considering these issues. why do people cheat? its such a conundrum. you think you have it all figured out... but it happens to couples of golden anniversaries as well as the less-aged relationships. don't we seek relationships because we want there to be one person with whom we relate, if not more or better than others, but just one person we decide on to fill that role? one person to invest more time and energy than any of the others we could have chosen? so then we cheat because we get scared they'll know us too much, they'll love us too much, and perhaps we feel we're inadequate and not worthy of that much love? we all want the perfect symbiosis of mind, body that comes with the significant other we search for, but we're also scared or selfish to give all unconditionally to that person. or maybe its not everyone. maybe i'm being too broad and its only those people like myself who will do anything to avoid pain.

let that be my confession. and my un-masked self-disclosure/ conscious plea for help. if you know me, please hurt me so i'll get used to it and learn that its not something to run from. thats right -white flag to abuse me in whatever fashion amuses you.

i think the main idea i was inching my way to was the question of confronting our inadequacies, as ian could not do. and how that plays out in relationships and can hurt the people we love. basically i think his problem was that he wanted to love his wife, but deep down he hated that his life was so perfect. for some reason, thats a very uncomfortable feeling, and one which i relate to. cue avril, please, "my own worst enemy"...
the answer to all my questions will undoubtedly lead me to the merits of humor. it is a saving grace, a gift from God along with many other strategies of healing, but one which i find to be stronger and more effective than most anything else. it is no panacea: no false remedy as one finds with alcohol, drugs, fill in your own blank. "a light heart lives long," sayeth my favorite proverb. if we don't immerse ourselves in humor, but rather deeper into our selves and our search for truths, i think we ultimately find ourselves at the same end. its means to an end, because when it comes to human nature, we're inexplicable. and theres just not enough time to worry about it. there is no "control" possess-able (yeah molly, i made that one up for you).

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."

"To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time", Robert Herrick

"A chacun de ces instants, où il quitte les sommets et s’enfonce peu à peu vers les tanières (dens) des dieux, il est supérieur à son destin. Il est plus fort que son rocher."

"Quand les images de la terre tiennent trop fort au souvenir, quand l’appel du bonheur se fait trop pressant, il arrive que la tristesse se lève au coeur de l’homme: c’est la victoire du rocher, c’est le rocher lui-même. L’immense détresse est trop lourde à porter. "

-Le Mythe de Sisyphe, Albert Camus.