Desperate

My parents and my brother are in the living room fighting about my health. My brother says, if anything, this is what I must fight for. Not grades, not others, me. I think that is what most hurts me about the whole thing- knowing that when I'm in pain, I am very blind to the human condition around me. A girl today, a regular at the cafe, came in. She is mentally handicapped and couldn't count the correct change. Instead of realizing she needed help, I waited the longest time before asking her. I'm sure she was very embarassed, for when I did, she said, "yeah, i..." and fumbled with her words. At the same moment, a gentleman customer gave me $5, and told me to use it for her purchase. What an amazing individual. He knew she was in trouble and he responded with such benevolence.

I'm so grateful for people who are willing to fight for me. Maybe it really is Jesus.

Moving On

This year is all about enjoyment. Work hard, play hard. Spend the generous time I have doing what I've been wanting to do- dance. I dislike most other forms of exercise, so I really gotta get after my dance technique. Take some trips... visit friends before I rejoin society as a productive member with real responsibility. Save some mula, or not. Volunteer at the Tarrant Area Food Bank. Savor life here, even it isn't my ideal life. I don't want to die tomorrow having wished my life away.

This summer has been -undoubtedly- amazing. New York, Austin twice... Its just these past few weeks I've realized its back to square one. I didn't take the internship, I didn't go to Pepperdine...I chose to stay. So I'm gonna make it worthwhile. Even without Kathryn (my support in so many ways)...

I know that I pull away from relationships for some reason. Thats something else thats gonna change. I have no right to rob others of my love (j/k). Really I just need to be open to commitment/pain, rather than fearful of it.

Explaining Things

For a grad application, I recently had to explain an "ethical or moral dilemma you have faced, and how you dealt with it." Since being a vegetarian can be a struggle three times a day (depending on your perspective), I felt it was a valid topic to use. Here is my explanation in case you were wondering.

‘criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.’ –aristotle

During my senior year of undergraduate study, which I spent studying abroad in Brussels, I began to seriously study vegetarianism. Several people influenced me enough to finally investigate: my brother, who had recently converted, my aunt and uncle whom I visited in Germany, and a number of other people I met that semester. Because I was away from home and encountering new ideas every day, it seemed like a good time to research the reasons why people "go veg". Why would a person -- especially in Europe, where there is access to a broad and fresh supply of delicious meats -- abstain? I decided to make it the subject of one of my final research papers that fall.

The research that was to follow would set me spinning. My culinary habits would be drastically altered, and my trust in childhood education (not to mention countless advertisements) would be questioned. My research would suggest that eating meat was wrong as well as risky, and my newly formed opinions would be tested three times a day that semester.

My previous notion that vegetarianism was a trend followed mostly by shallow people in an attempt to seem “cool” was debunked when I encountered numerous other reasons people adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. These can be broken down into two main categories: health and morality.

Many people "go veg" after learning that numerous forms of cancer can be prevented by eliminating meat from their diet. Others believe the human anatomy more closely resembles that of a herbivore rather than a carnivore, and use this as the basis of their decision not to eat meat.

But what shocked me most were the ethical objections that cause people to "go veg". My research indicates that eating meat in modern westernized culture exhibits a lack of respect for not just animals, but people and the environment, as well.

Most animals raised for their meat in our society live their entire, miserable lives on factory farms and suffer fates no living being should face. While it’s true that animals die so that other animals may live in nature every day, there is nothing natural about breeding, caging and drugging defenseless, grossly deformed creatures who may never walk or flap their wings even once before they die. There is nothing right about ripping off animals’ hooves or beaks with no anesthetic, or keeping them confined in conditions vastly different from their natural habitat. One anonymous quote I heard offered that if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be vegetarian. I couldn’t agree more. In my opinion, any person who pays others to harm and kill animals is just as guilty as he who carries out these acts of cruelty, and perhaps even more selfish. Though we as humans stand atop the food chain, supporting the systematic torture of our fellow living beings for our own pleasure is not a simple matter of personal choice.

The ethical argument continues. People in many countries starve because land that could be used to grow crops for their own nourishment is instead used to grow animal feed. In this way, the mass production of meat for people in some parts of the world results in famine in others. Therefore, choosing a vegetarian diet directly limits cruelty toward animals and humans alike. In addition, mass meat production is not a sustainable practice as it relates to our environment. Every year, thousands of acres of forest are leveled and converted into feedlots for the production of animal feed. Methane gas and other byproducts of the meat industry contaminate our air and water sources. By supporting the modern meat industry, we are literally paving the path to our own destruction through our gluttonous diets.

Given the facts, it’s harder to understand why someone would eat meat, rather than not eat it. Are we really that selfish? My research forced me to make a decision: Would I continue eating delicious meat-based dishes, or would my conscience force me to stop? The choice seemed so clear, and yet, it was a difficult one to make. “Going veg” would eliminate many of my favorite foods from my diet and require me to replace the nutrients provided by the “food group” I had long been taught was most essential to my energy, health, and survival. Like any major change in habit, this too would be time-consuming and require a continuous, conscious effort to execute.

Though I knew I could commit if I kept my greater purpose in mind, doubt still crept in as far as the difference I would be making. Large numbers of animals would not be freed or saved, few people would actually find more food on their plates, and the environment would barely improve, if at all. I had to decide if the minuscule impact I could make was enough to warrant my drastic change in eating habits.

Ultimately, after continuing to study and read the words of many other vegetarians and humanitarians, I chose to make my choice as an example to others. I learned that sometimes one person can inspire many others to do more than they otherwise would. It was with this in mind that I began down a new path in my life. The guilt-free conscience and healthier lifestyle promised by eliminating meat from my diet helped me realize that the rewards would far outweigh the cost. Vegetarianism is truly a cause worth championing.

la lumiere

there is no salvation like a little time alone. il faut reflechir, non? but at the same time, there is also something to be said for taking chances. i can't wait for my next chance to come along.

of course, there are some now that i may have been reserving, not knowing what is good and what is foolish. but ultimately, i'm almost positive my next chance will be in a new place. because here growth is very hard to come by. its too easy to slip into a child-like mentality, living at home, working menial jobs. its easy and comfortable and i like that i'm getting a bit more consistency. but of course, i don' t guess stagnancy is really what life is. its a stage, but not a lifestyle.

there is a time for everything and a season for all under heaven...

it makes me ill

to think of all the time i've wasted, it makes me ill.

i hate to be bitter, but why have i undergone surgery and yet i still am getting the sick feeling? what is wrong with my body? i don't know if i can take it much more. i'm tired of acting like someone i'm not because my body is in survival mode. is it a sign from God? am i not supposed to want to move into the next stage of my life, but remain here forever? i've embraced my current job and current lodgings and really begun to enjoy and partake of each day, but this illness is eating away at me and keeping me from planning for the future. i can't move away if i can't get well. i can't do much at all. maybe this is God breaking me.

its Monday, October 27th. i am 23. i am drinking beer again. i'm sorry to all of you who must deal with my inconsistencies. i want to be able to reach out to others and give. i don't want to be in a cage anymore. i don't want to get drunk to be numb.

if this is all the fault of a certain person, God, I pray that you would remove that problem from my life. if it is not, I pray that you would help me to find a cure. and to be patient again as we begin the search again.

Souvenirs

walking into the first art gallery in my self-guided tour of Bruxelles, discovering it to be a studio specializing in black and white nude female photography. feeling uncomfortable as i underwent a lengthy conversation dominated by the owner.

getting left out in the cold brussels night when the metro stopped 2 before my stop.... wheelin and deelin with the cabbie about picking me up and taking me home instead of his EU client...hoping he really did call a friend cabbie to come get me....raynaud's getting worse... wishing i had a cell and that this homeless man would go away

"stealing"/keeping rental dvds because its too f***ing far to get back and return them

half wishing Jan would ask me to go get a drink, but really just being creeped out by his extremely unhealthy lifestyle (coffee, smoke, repeat), yet still flattered by his poetic and clandestine emails that sometime include pink floyd dedications

addicted to hot baths

listening to ktcu traffic reports

where is Crystal?

what a freak that Mike Warner turned out to be

traveling alone would be better if i knew self-defense and didn't have to compensate with this mace

making rabbit dishes with Mme until she started to get irritable about her impending surgery and yelling at me in front of my friends

regretting that I ever pretended to like le plat "americain" (steak hache/raw ground beef mixed with mayo and onions)...having to eat it multiple times was my punishment

crying my heart out and screaming "have a good time (in french)" in provencal airport because we had to abandon like 4 bottles of wine and i knew what its fate would be

singing to the cabbie to get a 5E discount on our fare

serving pumpkin bread to trick-or-treaters; who knew kids went trick-or-treating in apartment buildings?

calling B&Bs all over Europe with sometimes-operable-Skype

dancing in Barcelona after scouring the city for somewhere decent, while still having the worst case of abdominal burning ever... who am i to give up salsa dancing in barcelona? even if i am incapable (or so i thought) of moving below the waist?

raiding the liquor cabinet when Mme went into the hospital

loving my 10th floor room with a view and my solitude

wild weekends tame a daydreamer's heart and increase productivity M-F

watching friends and the simpson's for the first time (subtitled)

enchanted forest

utmost of obsessions

you have everything to gain by losing

Bonheur

what is the requirement for happiness? or is there not one?

with so many physical problems lately (as compared to my past self) it seems happiness for me is just feeling good, feeling like i'm functioning properly. i hate for my mind to be consumed with problems of my flesh (seems like Jesus had similar reflections). like an old person with a young mind inside an aged body, which is fading and dying, we can't help but surrender to our mortal incapacities. and yet, mind over matter is how i've lived for so long. now, i'm hoping, post-surgery, that i can be completely redeemed of these worries and live life a bit more easily! i just can't help feeling guilty for wanting to be stress-free. i don't guess life really is supposed to be that way. maybe that's why the french translation for happiness is "Good Hour," because happiness isn't necessarily a permanent period. its a lucky or fortunate moment you come upon that must be savoured.

i'll relish in knowing i've been beer-free for over a week now! praise the Lord.