it makes me ill

to think of all the time i've wasted, it makes me ill.

i hate to be bitter, but why have i undergone surgery and yet i still am getting the sick feeling? what is wrong with my body? i don't know if i can take it much more. i'm tired of acting like someone i'm not because my body is in survival mode. is it a sign from God? am i not supposed to want to move into the next stage of my life, but remain here forever? i've embraced my current job and current lodgings and really begun to enjoy and partake of each day, but this illness is eating away at me and keeping me from planning for the future. i can't move away if i can't get well. i can't do much at all. maybe this is God breaking me.

its Monday, October 27th. i am 23. i am drinking beer again. i'm sorry to all of you who must deal with my inconsistencies. i want to be able to reach out to others and give. i don't want to be in a cage anymore. i don't want to get drunk to be numb.

if this is all the fault of a certain person, God, I pray that you would remove that problem from my life. if it is not, I pray that you would help me to find a cure. and to be patient again as we begin the search again.