I am most definitelz the most creative title maker.
I am also a good list maker. I like to make lists about what I need to journal about, but neglect to actuallz follow through with those journals.
I like to self actualiye. And I dont like to correct grammatical mistakes when on foreign computers. Mz audience is too smart for me to go to all that trouble.
List of future blogs if I ever get around to it:
Barcelona
Guilt
Bruges and Crzstal coming to visit!
Paris visit one and two, one being the most fun and filled with misbehavior, and two being the most thought-provoking (i guess that means i have more fun when i dont think? i guess that makes sense)
Paris, la ville de mon esprit, ma niche
Christmas Wish List
Cyeck Republic and Parents on Metros and what to do with old castles
Stages of Mz Life- to be continued...
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
**Coming Soon**
Thoughts on:
Barcelona and How I Agree with De Tocqueville
Heidelberg: Wine Barrels, French Fries, Flatliners, and Gay Men
Amsterdam- Red Light? more like green light!!!
Paris, my Israel
Finishing Work at Pax- at least I'm appreciative (its my human right to be).
My Addiction to Advent Calendars
I Advocate St. Nikolas Day in the USofA
Barcelona and How I Agree with De Tocqueville
Heidelberg: Wine Barrels, French Fries, Flatliners, and Gay Men
Amsterdam- Red Light? more like green light!!!
Paris, my Israel
Finishing Work at Pax- at least I'm appreciative (its my human right to be).
My Addiction to Advent Calendars
I Advocate St. Nikolas Day in the USofA
Monday, October 29, 2007
Discourse on Sincerity and Aquaintances
So I just returned from a nice weekend in Leuven, a little town about 30 miles from Brussels. I guess its kind of inappropriate to call it little because its actually the capital of Brabant-Wallonie, the Flemish side of Belgium. It was a nice weekend, even though some things 'imprevus' happened.
As I've titled this a discourse on sincerity and acquaintances, I want to make sure you understand that it really is the basis and cause of a lot of things that happened to me this weekend, not just reflections thereupon.
Anyway, it seems that a lot of my time here is spent thinking about relations between people (which i guess is well-spent, considering I'm here to observe the culture primarily), but its so funny because after having turned the thoughts around in my head, I seem to be at the same place I started. To be less ambiguous, what I am trying to explain is that, most of my free time I end up thinking about how people express themselves, whether they know you/don't know you, and how to find out if it is something sincere, and if it really matters. So it was pretty ironic that I had the discussion on the same topic with the man whose home I was a guest in (it was like bringing it to light). I think people with faith would say it really doesn't matter as much as we think it does, basically because people who invest most of their hope in God (or other religious figure/feeling) realize that people are fallible and most of the time very bad at expressing themselves according to their hearts (and that being understood, they focus on the infallibility of Christ as being their comfort). But at the same time, its hard not to let these signals confuse us. For example, I live with a Belgian lady who really gets on my nerves. I have terrible trouble understanding her; I, a Southerner, love to be friendly with people and really consider those with whom I come in contact as opportunities from God to take advantage of. Clearly, I was meant to meet this lady and God has blessed me with her acquaintance She has shown me great kindness in introducing me to her family, her history and culture. I happen to be the only student on this trip with such luck (i'm not saying God has blessed me more, or that I am the only one deserving of this, just meaning to convey how much I realize this is a blessing). And yet, I sometimes wonder if we ever bridge the gap b/w tenants and friends. She's after me continually about money, dishes, etc, and in the most primitive way, as if any moment she expects me to disappear with all my belongings still in her house. It really bothers me because i feel a system of trust should have been developed by now. In fact, the other day I really let her have it. For the first time, I refused to let her criticism (which was invalid) pass me by, and I dished it out. I refuse to let her think I wouldn't stand up for myself. So, even though I know I had the right (and a long time ago, to be frank), I still feel guilty, because it isn't my typical behavior and I don't like to espouse it even in the most appropriate of circumstances. Basically, these are reflections on my confusion concerning -when does one know they are trusted? -when does one know their kindness is accepted? -how sincere are people?
I know these are common questions cross-culturally speaking, and I think they contribute to the irreparable divide more than anything else. It is incredibly difficult to understand Americans for the same reason, because we seem superficial in our congeniality. However, I'll admit that I prefer it. Why be blunt when one can be soft? Why be direct when one can be tactful?
These questions are surely what make life difficult (albeit fascinating) for expats. We are increasingly lonely when we feel that the only relations we make are short-lived and won't amount to anything (for it takes time to breed a relationship). Personally I think that it the cause of my illness this weekend, if not partially a virus from my roommate. I was so sick after yelling at Madame that I really became violently ill. I arrived at her daughter's house, and began to reel I couldn't keep anything down and couldn't stay warm. Why must it be so hard to relate to people, I thought? Half the time I feel as if I'm part of the family, and half the time I feel as if I'm a crook as well as indebted for every bit of kindness shown to me. These people don't want to be nice to me, I think, because it is not their nature to greet people so graciously. I need to leave behind these feelings of inadequacy because they aren't helping me relax and just enjoy what I'm really getting to experience. On top of that, feelings of guilt about not always having fun when I should be because I'm supposed to be having fun since my family is poor and cannot, which had been stirring in me for quite some time, mounted and probably were also a factor in my sickness. To be honest, its hard for me to be here, knowing I'm making the divide between my sister and I even greater. She is a beautiful person, I love her dearly, but I cannot let her jealousy keep me from living my life. Nevertheless, sometimes I can't shake the feelings of sadness derived from this fact, because I know it is me who is propagating the tension. Guess this is what maturity is about. Learning to not let every little thing affect you. Its often very harmful to be too sensitive.
All I can do in order to come to an agreeable conclusion for myself personally, is, decide that I'll behave as I know how, showing kindness and sincerity as I know how, and relax about the rest. People can accept what they will, but I'll do my best to prove wrong that Americans are not 'profond', that we are just friendly on the surface, because surely we are not all like that. And I think its a misconception that contributes to a mentality and precautionary expectation on the behalf of Europeans (in other words, they prepare themselves that we are this way, and prohibit themselves from accessing our existing generosity). Its a catch-22; don't you see?
The reason I find these things so confusing, and often feel ashamed as if it is all just in head, is because as I go day to day and observe the nuances between our western cultures (which theoretically should not differ to much of an extent), I realize we are more alike than we are different, and more so as time passes (and globalisation rears its head). The Simpson's sell as slippers over here, English is the official (and only legal) language of the metro music selection, and Frosted Flakes are increasingly weeding out the plethora of bread and croissant choices. Then, why does it still feel so foreign? Why are we consuming the same things and yet incapable of understanding our fundamental differences? Why do I hate to see these consumables/entertainment figures in common and yet yearn to have no miscommunications?
What I really desire, I think, is that, we retain our cultural distinctions. I want to be in Brussels and do Brussels things (otherwise why go anywhere?). But, I'm perhaps just too sensitive sometimes to stand the difficulties that are part and parcel.
It seems there will always be some differences between cultures and I'm not deploring that idea; I want it. Maybe I'd just rather it be the other way around, more on the superficial and frivolous and less (differences that is) on the profound. That way, we desire to go abroad, have no fear of contact with others, and take pleasure in their trivial pleasures which are different from our own.
As a last note, I very much believe in the power of crossing cultures and what that can do for our world. I think this issue is a matter of breaking down preconceived notions we have been socialized with, that are undoubtedly hazardous to our health (as a collective humanity). What are the effects of your subconscious default programming? The trend is that there is always at least one group currently stigmatized, but its not fair to let this trend continue. If you realize its wrong in one circumstance (the Jewish population, for example), why continue to let it fester in future circumstances (like the present)? EX DUCERE, come out of yourself! Find out what's out there, even if it hurts. I'm speaking to myself too, for I have only just begun.
Oh, and as an addendum, I'm not simply talking about racism, and I'm not talking about wyping your slate clean of all impressions you've had of certain ethnic groups. Perhaps its just a matter of being flexible and open-minded. You may think Borat was a bit extreme, but he was definitely genius and going in the right direction (if nothing else).
As I've titled this a discourse on sincerity and acquaintances, I want to make sure you understand that it really is the basis and cause of a lot of things that happened to me this weekend, not just reflections thereupon.
Anyway, it seems that a lot of my time here is spent thinking about relations between people (which i guess is well-spent, considering I'm here to observe the culture primarily), but its so funny because after having turned the thoughts around in my head, I seem to be at the same place I started. To be less ambiguous, what I am trying to explain is that, most of my free time I end up thinking about how people express themselves, whether they know you/don't know you, and how to find out if it is something sincere, and if it really matters. So it was pretty ironic that I had the discussion on the same topic with the man whose home I was a guest in (it was like bringing it to light). I think people with faith would say it really doesn't matter as much as we think it does, basically because people who invest most of their hope in God (or other religious figure/feeling) realize that people are fallible and most of the time very bad at expressing themselves according to their hearts (and that being understood, they focus on the infallibility of Christ as being their comfort). But at the same time, its hard not to let these signals confuse us. For example, I live with a Belgian lady who really gets on my nerves. I have terrible trouble understanding her; I, a Southerner, love to be friendly with people and really consider those with whom I come in contact as opportunities from God to take advantage of. Clearly, I was meant to meet this lady and God has blessed me with her acquaintance She has shown me great kindness in introducing me to her family, her history and culture. I happen to be the only student on this trip with such luck (i'm not saying God has blessed me more, or that I am the only one deserving of this, just meaning to convey how much I realize this is a blessing). And yet, I sometimes wonder if we ever bridge the gap b/w tenants and friends. She's after me continually about money, dishes, etc, and in the most primitive way, as if any moment she expects me to disappear with all my belongings still in her house. It really bothers me because i feel a system of trust should have been developed by now. In fact, the other day I really let her have it. For the first time, I refused to let her criticism (which was invalid) pass me by, and I dished it out. I refuse to let her think I wouldn't stand up for myself. So, even though I know I had the right (and a long time ago, to be frank), I still feel guilty, because it isn't my typical behavior and I don't like to espouse it even in the most appropriate of circumstances. Basically, these are reflections on my confusion concerning -when does one know they are trusted? -when does one know their kindness is accepted? -how sincere are people?
I know these are common questions cross-culturally speaking, and I think they contribute to the irreparable divide more than anything else. It is incredibly difficult to understand Americans for the same reason, because we seem superficial in our congeniality. However, I'll admit that I prefer it. Why be blunt when one can be soft? Why be direct when one can be tactful?
These questions are surely what make life difficult (albeit fascinating) for expats. We are increasingly lonely when we feel that the only relations we make are short-lived and won't amount to anything (for it takes time to breed a relationship). Personally I think that it the cause of my illness this weekend, if not partially a virus from my roommate. I was so sick after yelling at Madame that I really became violently ill. I arrived at her daughter's house, and began to reel I couldn't keep anything down and couldn't stay warm. Why must it be so hard to relate to people, I thought? Half the time I feel as if I'm part of the family, and half the time I feel as if I'm a crook as well as indebted for every bit of kindness shown to me. These people don't want to be nice to me, I think, because it is not their nature to greet people so graciously. I need to leave behind these feelings of inadequacy because they aren't helping me relax and just enjoy what I'm really getting to experience. On top of that, feelings of guilt about not always having fun when I should be because I'm supposed to be having fun since my family is poor and cannot, which had been stirring in me for quite some time, mounted and probably were also a factor in my sickness. To be honest, its hard for me to be here, knowing I'm making the divide between my sister and I even greater. She is a beautiful person, I love her dearly, but I cannot let her jealousy keep me from living my life. Nevertheless, sometimes I can't shake the feelings of sadness derived from this fact, because I know it is me who is propagating the tension. Guess this is what maturity is about. Learning to not let every little thing affect you. Its often very harmful to be too sensitive.
All I can do in order to come to an agreeable conclusion for myself personally, is, decide that I'll behave as I know how, showing kindness and sincerity as I know how, and relax about the rest. People can accept what they will, but I'll do my best to prove wrong that Americans are not 'profond', that we are just friendly on the surface, because surely we are not all like that. And I think its a misconception that contributes to a mentality and precautionary expectation on the behalf of Europeans (in other words, they prepare themselves that we are this way, and prohibit themselves from accessing our existing generosity). Its a catch-22; don't you see?
The reason I find these things so confusing, and often feel ashamed as if it is all just in head, is because as I go day to day and observe the nuances between our western cultures (which theoretically should not differ to much of an extent), I realize we are more alike than we are different, and more so as time passes (and globalisation rears its head). The Simpson's sell as slippers over here, English is the official (and only legal) language of the metro music selection, and Frosted Flakes are increasingly weeding out the plethora of bread and croissant choices. Then, why does it still feel so foreign? Why are we consuming the same things and yet incapable of understanding our fundamental differences? Why do I hate to see these consumables/entertainment figures in common and yet yearn to have no miscommunications?
What I really desire, I think, is that, we retain our cultural distinctions. I want to be in Brussels and do Brussels things (otherwise why go anywhere?). But, I'm perhaps just too sensitive sometimes to stand the difficulties that are part and parcel.
It seems there will always be some differences between cultures and I'm not deploring that idea; I want it. Maybe I'd just rather it be the other way around, more on the superficial and frivolous and less (differences that is) on the profound. That way, we desire to go abroad, have no fear of contact with others, and take pleasure in their trivial pleasures which are different from our own.
As a last note, I very much believe in the power of crossing cultures and what that can do for our world. I think this issue is a matter of breaking down preconceived notions we have been socialized with, that are undoubtedly hazardous to our health (as a collective humanity). What are the effects of your subconscious default programming? The trend is that there is always at least one group currently stigmatized, but its not fair to let this trend continue. If you realize its wrong in one circumstance (the Jewish population, for example), why continue to let it fester in future circumstances (like the present)? EX DUCERE, come out of yourself! Find out what's out there, even if it hurts. I'm speaking to myself too, for I have only just begun.
Oh, and as an addendum, I'm not simply talking about racism, and I'm not talking about wyping your slate clean of all impressions you've had of certain ethnic groups. Perhaps its just a matter of being flexible and open-minded. You may think Borat was a bit extreme, but he was definitely genius and going in the right direction (if nothing else).
Friday, September 28, 2007
Work and Play: a How-To
I've decided I hate work. Well not really. I just hate being at work, wishing I could be out and about! Is this what being an adult is? I don't think so; I think its contingent on where you are geographically. If I have to work, I think I'm going to move somewhere very remote, where I won't be tempted to day dream of adventures I'm not having, maybe west Texas. If this doesn't make any sense, the conundrum is that I'm already in Europe, and yet I'm strapped to a desk. And I have a priest staring at me over his keyboard (our comps face each other), and so even if I'm just listening to Christmas, country, or musical theatre through my headphones (you know, to lighten up the monotony that 8 hours looking at a computer can bring, even if well-spent) or say something slightly amusing pops into my head and I make some kind of pleasant facial expression, he glares at me like a nazi. Man, it must suck to be so serious all the time. I mean, come on, how fast can I save child-soldiers? (haha kidding)But, really, I guess I'll turn into one in the process if I can't sing along as I type.
"Nous desirons beaucoup de choses, mais nous n'avons besoin que de si peu."
or in English,
"To have what we want is riches; but to be able to do without is power." -George Somebody
its so sweet! even more so in french.
Actually, work is great. I just need to quell my selfish energy.
I haven't written about the escapades in Dinant, yet, the lovely little village that it is, but here's a quote I read in our very floral and rather amalgated room in the bed and breakfast, where, after the three of us arrived, the outside sign went from "vacancie" to "complet"...aka, there was only one room in the inn. More about Dinant later-"Nous desirons beaucoup de choses, mais nous n'avons besoin que de si peu."
or in English,
"To have what we want is riches; but to be able to do without is power." -George Somebody
its so sweet! even more so in french.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Facebook | Laura Patterson
Facebook Laura Patterson
most depressing article i've seen in a long time. the parkside is an anomaly haunting my sweetest memories. too many good ones. now i can better imagine the life of a refugee, to be overdramatic.
most depressing article i've seen in a long time. the parkside is an anomaly haunting my sweetest memories. too many good ones. now i can better imagine the life of a refugee, to be overdramatic.
Friday, September 14, 2007
il faut luter, mais ca vaut la peine
i don't know why, but i am committed to making life difficult.
what do the antiquarians have to say about this?
first, they say to learn your history. this provides perspective.
maybe thats why i gravitate to older people. for example, i can't think of anyone i'd rather live with right now than my aged belgian mother. we talked for like three hours last night in french, which was good practice, although at one point i said "if i ever marry myself..." when i meant "if i ever marry" because i thought the verb "to marry" was reflexive...i digress. i think she satisfies my hunger to recognize that life goes on and we age and everything is going to be ok, despite my current trivial emergencies. its like old men at church in their cadillacs. its reassuring to see them. perhaps we should all live with the mindset of a retired person.
so last weekend i went to brugges and ghent and toured some WWI sites (graveyards, the Wall, the Flanders Field Museum, trenches) and have come to a much greater appreciation for the hatred of war. i'm not making an Iraq commentary here, but its not a generalization to say that europeans are socialized to hate war, thus the ambient feeling towards this particular one. to make it short, i hate that it exists, and yet i know in some cases it may be necessary. but regarding WWI, WWII and Iraq, its clear that most europeans consider Iraq another WWI, a fight without reason. which is why they've renegued from joining and taken the 'world' out of it. war stirs questions of motivation, of dedication, being dedication to a cause and dedication to your inner conscience to question everything you do. its clear that people here relive the wars everyday, no exxageration. in ghent there is an 8pm taps tribute (of sorts) everynight, with a military procession through the menen gate, not to mention that the city streets go right pass graveyards, covered in poppies. if you've seen the film 'joyeux noel' released two years ago, which commemorates the 1914 Christmas when entrenched soldiers of all sides emerged from their holiday holes and rejoiced together, you can see the morass that is our blood-thirsty nature.
another thought i had, after seeing the music film Control. ian, the lead singer, gets married very young, it seems w/o much thought but blinded by infatuation, and eventually leaves his wife and daughter for a foreign attraction, the quintessential desire for the exotic (of which i'm guilty i admit, hence my current geographic location), but which in this case is desastrous. what was his fault? why did he feel the need to leave her and go with the seductive belgian? is it because his wife was not quite as skinny, or interesting? i don't think it was anything to do with her sex appeal. but she doted on him just as much as the other girl, so it couldn't be that she engendered feelings of inadequacy as a father or husband. to be of the "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" mindset, i know i am of good age to be considering these issues. why do people cheat? its such a conundrum. you think you have it all figured out... but it happens to couples of golden anniversaries as well as the less-aged relationships. don't we seek relationships because we want there to be one person with whom we relate, if not more or better than others, but just one person we decide on to fill that role? one person to invest more time and energy than any of the others we could have chosen? so then we cheat because we get scared they'll know us too much, they'll love us too much, and perhaps we feel we're inadequate and not worthy of that much love? we all want the perfect symbiosis of mind, body that comes with the significant other we search for, but we're also scared or selfish to give all unconditionally to that person. or maybe its not everyone. maybe i'm being too broad and its only those people like myself who will do anything to avoid pain.
let that be my confession. and my un-masked self-disclosure/ conscious plea for help. if you know me, please hurt me so i'll get used to it and learn that its not something to run from. thats right -white flag to abuse me in whatever fashion amuses you.
i think the main idea i was inching my way to was the question of confronting our inadequacies, as ian could not do. and how that plays out in relationships and can hurt the people we love. basically i think his problem was that he wanted to love his wife, but deep down he hated that his life was so perfect. for some reason, thats a very uncomfortable feeling, and one which i relate to. cue avril, please, "my own worst enemy"...
the answer to all my questions will undoubtedly lead me to the merits of humor. it is a saving grace, a gift from God along with many other strategies of healing, but one which i find to be stronger and more effective than most anything else. it is no panacea: no false remedy as one finds with alcohol, drugs, fill in your own blank. "a light heart lives long," sayeth my favorite proverb. if we don't immerse ourselves in humor, but rather deeper into our selves and our search for truths, i think we ultimately find ourselves at the same end. its means to an end, because when it comes to human nature, we're inexplicable. and theres just not enough time to worry about it. there is no "control" possess-able (yeah molly, i made that one up for you).
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."
"To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time", Robert Herrick
"A chacun de ces instants, où il quitte les sommets et s’enfonce peu à peu vers les tanières (dens) des dieux, il est supérieur à son destin. Il est plus fort que son rocher."
"Quand les images de la terre tiennent trop fort au souvenir, quand l’appel du bonheur se fait trop pressant, il arrive que la tristesse se lève au coeur de l’homme: c’est la victoire du rocher, c’est le rocher lui-même. L’immense détresse est trop lourde à porter. "
-Le Mythe de Sisyphe, Albert Camus.
what do the antiquarians have to say about this?
first, they say to learn your history. this provides perspective.
maybe thats why i gravitate to older people. for example, i can't think of anyone i'd rather live with right now than my aged belgian mother. we talked for like three hours last night in french, which was good practice, although at one point i said "if i ever marry myself..." when i meant "if i ever marry" because i thought the verb "to marry" was reflexive...i digress. i think she satisfies my hunger to recognize that life goes on and we age and everything is going to be ok, despite my current trivial emergencies. its like old men at church in their cadillacs. its reassuring to see them. perhaps we should all live with the mindset of a retired person.
so last weekend i went to brugges and ghent and toured some WWI sites (graveyards, the Wall, the Flanders Field Museum, trenches) and have come to a much greater appreciation for the hatred of war. i'm not making an Iraq commentary here, but its not a generalization to say that europeans are socialized to hate war, thus the ambient feeling towards this particular one. to make it short, i hate that it exists, and yet i know in some cases it may be necessary. but regarding WWI, WWII and Iraq, its clear that most europeans consider Iraq another WWI, a fight without reason. which is why they've renegued from joining and taken the 'world' out of it. war stirs questions of motivation, of dedication, being dedication to a cause and dedication to your inner conscience to question everything you do. its clear that people here relive the wars everyday, no exxageration. in ghent there is an 8pm taps tribute (of sorts) everynight, with a military procession through the menen gate, not to mention that the city streets go right pass graveyards, covered in poppies. if you've seen the film 'joyeux noel' released two years ago, which commemorates the 1914 Christmas when entrenched soldiers of all sides emerged from their holiday holes and rejoiced together, you can see the morass that is our blood-thirsty nature.
another thought i had, after seeing the music film Control. ian, the lead singer, gets married very young, it seems w/o much thought but blinded by infatuation, and eventually leaves his wife and daughter for a foreign attraction, the quintessential desire for the exotic (of which i'm guilty i admit, hence my current geographic location), but which in this case is desastrous. what was his fault? why did he feel the need to leave her and go with the seductive belgian? is it because his wife was not quite as skinny, or interesting? i don't think it was anything to do with her sex appeal. but she doted on him just as much as the other girl, so it couldn't be that she engendered feelings of inadequacy as a father or husband. to be of the "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" mindset, i know i am of good age to be considering these issues. why do people cheat? its such a conundrum. you think you have it all figured out... but it happens to couples of golden anniversaries as well as the less-aged relationships. don't we seek relationships because we want there to be one person with whom we relate, if not more or better than others, but just one person we decide on to fill that role? one person to invest more time and energy than any of the others we could have chosen? so then we cheat because we get scared they'll know us too much, they'll love us too much, and perhaps we feel we're inadequate and not worthy of that much love? we all want the perfect symbiosis of mind, body that comes with the significant other we search for, but we're also scared or selfish to give all unconditionally to that person. or maybe its not everyone. maybe i'm being too broad and its only those people like myself who will do anything to avoid pain.
let that be my confession. and my un-masked self-disclosure/ conscious plea for help. if you know me, please hurt me so i'll get used to it and learn that its not something to run from. thats right -white flag to abuse me in whatever fashion amuses you.
i think the main idea i was inching my way to was the question of confronting our inadequacies, as ian could not do. and how that plays out in relationships and can hurt the people we love. basically i think his problem was that he wanted to love his wife, but deep down he hated that his life was so perfect. for some reason, thats a very uncomfortable feeling, and one which i relate to. cue avril, please, "my own worst enemy"...
the answer to all my questions will undoubtedly lead me to the merits of humor. it is a saving grace, a gift from God along with many other strategies of healing, but one which i find to be stronger and more effective than most anything else. it is no panacea: no false remedy as one finds with alcohol, drugs, fill in your own blank. "a light heart lives long," sayeth my favorite proverb. if we don't immerse ourselves in humor, but rather deeper into our selves and our search for truths, i think we ultimately find ourselves at the same end. its means to an end, because when it comes to human nature, we're inexplicable. and theres just not enough time to worry about it. there is no "control" possess-able (yeah molly, i made that one up for you).
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."
"To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time", Robert Herrick
"A chacun de ces instants, où il quitte les sommets et s’enfonce peu à peu vers les tanières (dens) des dieux, il est supérieur à son destin. Il est plus fort que son rocher."
"Quand les images de la terre tiennent trop fort au souvenir, quand l’appel du bonheur se fait trop pressant, il arrive que la tristesse se lève au coeur de l’homme: c’est la victoire du rocher, c’est le rocher lui-même. L’immense détresse est trop lourde à porter. "
-Le Mythe de Sisyphe, Albert Camus.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
danger de mort
vanzen. only in europe. so i went for a walk yesterday evening in the forest, which is fortunately my backyard. i know this might be me exercising my "woman's right to change her mind", but based on the visual and sensory pleasures, which by far surpassed experiences i've had of natural kinds in austria, germany, france, and england (and even new-foundland-ian) i must admit my conclusion that belgium is quickly making its way to the top of the list of most wildly beautiful places i have ever seen. i wish i had my camera cord handy, and i'd upload the pictures i took, because by no means is my convoluted english doing me any favors in expressing to you just how breathtaking this part of the world is. i think i could only compare it to descriptions of the 'walden pond' kind, the new england countryside, where the air is brisk w/o being desert-arid, the flowers are striking and unexpected, as in the non-cultivated, Rousseau-savage type. an outing alone will inspire more than almost any human interaction could, i do believe. there's just something about getting out and hiking alone. anyway, probably the most memorable part of my walk yesterday was the ridiculous sign i saw on my way back to the main road. "DANGER DE MORT," it read, meaning, danger of death. as i approached the sign, the feelings of intimidation setting in, i saw in smaller font the words, "RUINE DE BATIMENT," or destruction of building. Looking through the chain-link fence, of similar ruin, i saw a crumbling stone castle. well, i'll call it a castle, because by american standards, it certainly qualifies. i know real-estate developers who would pay good money for this batiment to be the cover girl for their housing development. the estates of chateau blanc...but no, here they use the opposite vice and instead turn you away from the site, by threat of death, because its just not quite as romantic to them, i suppose. less dilapidated royal buildings draw tourists just as well, and whats more, there are just too many of these similar 'castles' to care enough. whats one more 18th century example of decentralized political power and wealth? and yet, i wonder if its for sale... at least it would be good for a reenactment of a hitchcock scene, not that any of those were in europe. were they? my memory escapes me.
on a last note, i have been blessed with more market adventures. i'll spare you the embarassing details, because of course i probably have a greater affinity for the market than i should, but its only because i find locals at their most entertaining when they are screaming like used-car salesman in hopes of persuading you that their chives, parmesan, or bloody veal fillets are really the best buy. well, and i love fresh food. my outings this week, in conjunction with my laxadaisical sunday behavior, awarded me an entire bag of mangoes for a euro (thats ten), as well as a grocery sack full of bright red grapes, also one euro. apparently, if you go to the market right before closing, they pull the cici's pizza game and give you everything for almost nothing. its great! except then you have to carry it all home, ride with it on the train, wash it REALLY good...you get the idea. but anyway, i was thrilled because mangoes afford me more happiness than you might otherwise know (thanks to ashely aceto), and during the year i watch the price for them until they hit $1/each and then i splurge and buy them. if this is the only kind of gambling jackpot i ever hit, it was worth it. man- go crazy!!
oh, and i started the internship today. its time consuming, but purposeful. and i need a little purpose because i think i'm having too much fun being a tourist.
ciao for now,
lowra
on a last note, i have been blessed with more market adventures. i'll spare you the embarassing details, because of course i probably have a greater affinity for the market than i should, but its only because i find locals at their most entertaining when they are screaming like used-car salesman in hopes of persuading you that their chives, parmesan, or bloody veal fillets are really the best buy. well, and i love fresh food. my outings this week, in conjunction with my laxadaisical sunday behavior, awarded me an entire bag of mangoes for a euro (thats ten), as well as a grocery sack full of bright red grapes, also one euro. apparently, if you go to the market right before closing, they pull the cici's pizza game and give you everything for almost nothing. its great! except then you have to carry it all home, ride with it on the train, wash it REALLY good...you get the idea. but anyway, i was thrilled because mangoes afford me more happiness than you might otherwise know (thanks to ashely aceto), and during the year i watch the price for them until they hit $1/each and then i splurge and buy them. if this is the only kind of gambling jackpot i ever hit, it was worth it. man- go crazy!!
oh, and i started the internship today. its time consuming, but purposeful. and i need a little purpose because i think i'm having too much fun being a tourist.
ciao for now,
lowra
Friday, August 31, 2007
Good Sites
Art Nouveau
http://www.bruxelles-art-nouveau.be/frhome.htm
Musee du Chocolat
http://www.mucc.be/
Breweries/Monasteries
www.leffe.be/index
www.orval.be
Art
http://www.magrittemuseum.be/code/en/index3.htm
Sundry
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/lf_hl_eating_green
http://www.brusselssucks.be/
http://www.bruxelles-art-nouveau.be/frhome.htm
Musee du Chocolat
http://www.mucc.be/
Breweries/Monasteries
www.leffe.be/index
www.orval.be
Art
http://www.magrittemuseum.be/code/en/index3.htm
Sundry
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/lf_hl_eating_green
http://www.brusselssucks.be/
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
pourqoui conserver vos reves pour plus tard?
its a line from an advert i saw here, meaning, why save your dreams for later? of course there was a cute picture of a guy and girl in swimsuits caressing each other underneath the line, and it happened to be an advertisement for a travel agent. but still, its so true. by the way, the entry from the other day i still read and find funny. did i skip the part where i mention i'm in paradise? i am. i was pretty much forced to take some time off from touring brussels in order to recuperate. after spending too much time in a smoky little neighborhood convenience store, i developed a case of the flu, or something bronchial anyway. when i couldn't keep my eyes open during the EU tour we took today, i decided a nap would probably be wise. i pleaded with myself, but finally gave in. besides i had fresh stuff from the market that needed attention, cause i sure don't plan on eating anything else raw for awhile....not that the hamburger meat wasn't delicious all red and mayonaised last night at dinner.
but i went for a run after my sleep and realized how startlingly stunning this area of town is. almost to the end of the metro on the lower east side (thats right new yorkers), it is unbelievable...florid avenues, lightways to delight (if i may indulge my inner anne of green gables), covered gardens and heated terraced restos...its all part of my neighborhood. i really can't believe my eyes. and to make it even better, there are signs everywhere for the moto-weekend! apparently there will be some kind of motorcycle/scooter festival coming up. i'm psyched, i think. i'm not totally sure what it entails, but if i get to take a ride with some biker, i'm ready. or maybe i'll get to go it alone! thats an interesting visual. mom you should probably stop reading. but then again it was probably a mistake to give me luggage as a graduation gift. thats right. i'm blaming you for all this.
anyway, i can't spend too much more time today. i'm taking leave after i get better so i can spend it with the locals. its a blessing no doubt. my french still sucks, but with practice...
seriously though. it makes me mad when i can't go out at night. especially ones like this, the late summer kind, drowning in idyllic cafe scenes, discotheques with the furmaners. sudafed....do your magic. tant pis.
but i went for a run after my sleep and realized how startlingly stunning this area of town is. almost to the end of the metro on the lower east side (thats right new yorkers), it is unbelievable...florid avenues, lightways to delight (if i may indulge my inner anne of green gables), covered gardens and heated terraced restos...its all part of my neighborhood. i really can't believe my eyes. and to make it even better, there are signs everywhere for the moto-weekend! apparently there will be some kind of motorcycle/scooter festival coming up. i'm psyched, i think. i'm not totally sure what it entails, but if i get to take a ride with some biker, i'm ready. or maybe i'll get to go it alone! thats an interesting visual. mom you should probably stop reading. but then again it was probably a mistake to give me luggage as a graduation gift. thats right. i'm blaming you for all this.
anyway, i can't spend too much more time today. i'm taking leave after i get better so i can spend it with the locals. its a blessing no doubt. my french still sucks, but with practice...
seriously though. it makes me mad when i can't go out at night. especially ones like this, the late summer kind, drowning in idyllic cafe scenes, discotheques with the furmaners. sudafed....do your magic. tant pis.
Monday, August 27, 2007
JEW- an acronym i never noticed before!
I can't skip the opportunity to say how much I adore Jimmy Eat World. I'm in need of somewhere I can belt the lyrics, they make me so crazy!!! I feel like a teenage girl watching Elvis on TV. Them and Anberlin. Gracious me, this rock n roll, its sinful.
Wasn't that entry-worthy? I think so.
WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"All I can say, I should have said. Can we take a ride, get outta this place while we still have time?"
Wasn't that entry-worthy? I think so.
WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"All I can say, I should have said. Can we take a ride, get outta this place while we still have time?"
Sunday, August 26, 2007
je suis folle.
Sunday, 26/8/07
I'm going to start by saying that, while I try to convince myself of the psychotherapeutic technique which confirms all feeling and emotion as legitimate, the feelings i've been having lately have not been. I just can't look myself in the mirror and say, you have a right to feel this way. I really do not. Thats when I hear my dad's voice go, 'where is your smile?' for it is symbolic of his innate attitude, that, no matter what we have going on, life is good. Life was good and will be.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that i've realized lately that a state of loneliness has come upon me. why? i'm not unhappy, by far, i've been given the best situation I can possibly imagine. Not only the circumstances in which i've been placed as a senior in college and young girl of very modest upbringing. But, whats more, even the little details of these circumstances leave me with no room to complain. You see, I live with a lady of great servitude. Widowed, but blessed with many children and grandchildren, she is known to love and share. I've partaken of these virtues at her table and in her home. She loves Africa and has many stories to tell about it, her home for over 20 years, which encourage my desire to venture there possibly for work. She is a seamstress of fashion clothing and also an amazing cook, willing to share her time. Evidently, she lacks no quality i can think of that would pleasure me more in sharing her company, unless she has some secret professional dance experience closeted away somewhere (or maybe a grandson who does). I live with her on the ninth floor of an apartment building, with balcony access from my bedroom overlooking a swan-filled lake, and with a perfect view of the sunset nightly. But, for some reason my coeur trop petit forces me to forget all this and instead dwell on the fact that i am in fact separated from family and friends and therefore have no one with whom i am loved unconditionally. And i think that is why i have trouble sleeping. It's ridiculous, actually.
I've been mulling over all this, because i do feel pathetic about the whole thing, and i've decided that it must be human nature to desire people, and not things or places. Clearly, i am not at peace because i am separated from those i love. And yet, i do not burn to be with them. i like solidarity. but i guess i just love it as an alibi, when i get tired of family and friends. but its their constant presence i miss. Its true. And so, me and Tom Petty are crying together now as i think of them so far away, and how much they've given me. And so i guess its not that lame. i cry for love. "this is gonna be hard," even if i wouldn't change my situation and make it easier. surely there is growth in being apart, as well as adventure. Ive been through it for the past 4 years and i think i will my entire life. I am destined to be an ex-pat, a misfit, because i do believe that may be my calling. And so I'm learning that it doesn't really matter where you go, but that you must cherish it and the people that you'll meet there. And so i will spend quality time with Maman Viviane, as well as the people in the marche, and those at my internship who work relentlessly for human rights. I love how all this sounds so cliche, not to mention obvious, but its a completely different experience to feel it. Loneliness is a state of mind, right? But still it is a challenge until we realize we are not really lonely. We may be alone, but we're never lonely if we have trust in God, and hope that we can share love again. Maybe it isn't important who those people are, but that we commit this act. For if those we love now were to disappear, we would find new ones. Again, how trite it all reads on the page. Anyway, I enjoy being needy for love because that perpetuates my need for God to fill it, and I am then conscious of my humanity. At home, it seems I often am too distracted by those i love.
Just some things i've been sorting through. Again, i recognize how much greater my circumstances are than last month, which honestly was the epitome of loneliness, of complete isolation. It was the bottom of the barrel, but it was where I learned to do without, to look up, because what i think i need and what i really do are not on the same list, but will make us miserable if we let them. But its all gravy, baby, in the end! I am so glad I went through that to see how great sitting at home watching 24 with my family can be. makes for a stellar evening. good wholesome fun, patterson style!
As an afterthought, I realize how startling it is an experience to actually feel what many people feel all the time. And for that especially i am grateful. I now know how it feels to think yourself lonely. People go through this all the time! And so it must be a lesson to not run over them in our daily quests. Maybe its a little macabre, but we should possibly assume that anyone we meet could be experiencing the worst day of their lives. Could we treat them anyway other than altruistically?
Good night, loved ones.
mais, qui va promener le chien?
ok, so this is really a continuation of random thoughts. amuse toi!
i wrote down two phrases in french which appealed to me today. the first one was so funny, i thought i'd title this entry after it. it was the name of a restaurant in the arts district (which i happily stumbled upon) in Brussels. 'qui va promener le chien?' it was called, and it struck me as this post-modern joke. what a funny name, right, for a resto? surrounded by la tour de bruxelles, l'ancien tea house, and godiva, it was a unique attempt to stick out. i hate thinking about dogs and other living animals before consuming them (which is a possiblity since they are not meat racist here or in france), perhaps it was trying to provoke that insecuirty in me and others, it was totally irrelevant to the dining experience- it didn't describe the cuisine or give you an idea of the chef's nationality, and it wasn't aesthetic or named for impressions (the acropolis or la grande cafe, etc). and perhaps it was making fun of all these other basis for typically naming restaurants. anyway, i thought it was quirky and it made me smile.
while watching a da vinci documentary today (part of my daily routine of exposing myself to fine culture and history), da vinci's father is portrayed as saying, but, what is all this education good for? and in french it was, mais, 'quel est l'avantage d'etudier?' this fundamental concern of mr. da vinci senior caught me mid-yawn. its a question i struggle with on a daily basis, and ostensibly the reason for this journal. i seem to forget with great ease, and so in order to avoid wasting $35,000 x 4, as well as 5 months of my life, i want to journal a bit of my time here. the advantage of studying is in the growth we see later in ourselves that we originally can't predict or even imagine, the challenges we learn to accept and expect, and the power we get from both: faith and maturity. when we recognize that life is challenging, we become realistic and human at the same time. its going to be hard sometimes; thats an intrinsic part of life we can't avoid and we all share in. which for me means, if i'm going to work hard anyway, might as well be for something great! so i'll work hard for the things i really desire, things that hold great worth for me. i'd rather do that than work hard for someone else.
i'm sure we've all had thoughts like these, but that one line in the doc stirred them up again and so i thought i'd share. l'avantage d'etudier est de trouver toi-meme et puis t'avancer par force.
things that happened to me today, unplugged version-
went to vesalius college for housing assignments
was really tired, came home and slept an hour
woke up and ate 3rd day's quota of balance bar (spent too much on cherries to eat anything else)
watched da vinci documentary for awhile
went to bellevue museum (history in palace), which looked appealing from the brochure i found
walked around that area, found tea store, district with art galleries, visited two of which second had photos of naked girls everywhere (glorious technicolor!)- talked to artist for 30 minutes feeling rather awkward
walked and found busy strip and movie theatre
ate dinner (not a balance bar!)of bread and cheese, which i realized later was the perfect introductory euro meal- bread and cheese, their and my favorite staples!
scoped out possible job opps
europe feels so natural, a bit desensitized b/c of last month
muscles melting as usual- getting used to it and getting over it
i wrote down two phrases in french which appealed to me today. the first one was so funny, i thought i'd title this entry after it. it was the name of a restaurant in the arts district (which i happily stumbled upon) in Brussels. 'qui va promener le chien?' it was called, and it struck me as this post-modern joke. what a funny name, right, for a resto? surrounded by la tour de bruxelles, l'ancien tea house, and godiva, it was a unique attempt to stick out. i hate thinking about dogs and other living animals before consuming them (which is a possiblity since they are not meat racist here or in france), perhaps it was trying to provoke that insecuirty in me and others, it was totally irrelevant to the dining experience- it didn't describe the cuisine or give you an idea of the chef's nationality, and it wasn't aesthetic or named for impressions (the acropolis or la grande cafe, etc). and perhaps it was making fun of all these other basis for typically naming restaurants. anyway, i thought it was quirky and it made me smile.
while watching a da vinci documentary today (part of my daily routine of exposing myself to fine culture and history), da vinci's father is portrayed as saying, but, what is all this education good for? and in french it was, mais, 'quel est l'avantage d'etudier?' this fundamental concern of mr. da vinci senior caught me mid-yawn. its a question i struggle with on a daily basis, and ostensibly the reason for this journal. i seem to forget with great ease, and so in order to avoid wasting $35,000 x 4, as well as 5 months of my life, i want to journal a bit of my time here. the advantage of studying is in the growth we see later in ourselves that we originally can't predict or even imagine, the challenges we learn to accept and expect, and the power we get from both: faith and maturity. when we recognize that life is challenging, we become realistic and human at the same time. its going to be hard sometimes; thats an intrinsic part of life we can't avoid and we all share in. which for me means, if i'm going to work hard anyway, might as well be for something great! so i'll work hard for the things i really desire, things that hold great worth for me. i'd rather do that than work hard for someone else.
i'm sure we've all had thoughts like these, but that one line in the doc stirred them up again and so i thought i'd share. l'avantage d'etudier est de trouver toi-meme et puis t'avancer par force.
things that happened to me today, unplugged version-
went to vesalius college for housing assignments
was really tired, came home and slept an hour
woke up and ate 3rd day's quota of balance bar (spent too much on cherries to eat anything else)
watched da vinci documentary for awhile
went to bellevue museum (history in palace), which looked appealing from the brochure i found
walked around that area, found tea store, district with art galleries, visited two of which second had photos of naked girls everywhere (glorious technicolor!)- talked to artist for 30 minutes feeling rather awkward
walked and found busy strip and movie theatre
ate dinner (not a balance bar!)of bread and cheese, which i realized later was the perfect introductory euro meal- bread and cheese, their and my favorite staples!
scoped out possible job opps
europe feels so natural, a bit desensitized b/c of last month
muscles melting as usual- getting used to it and getting over it
a great big texas hello
mardi, le 21 aout
qui va promener le chien?
quel est l'avantage d'etudier?
allo, tout le monde! its the first day (and possibly the last) of my so-called memoirs, an attempt to record the random happenings and even possibly significant events which happen to me during my stay in Brussels. after a good two days, i can already conclude that it will not be vacation, and yet, i'm not quite a resident either, although i'll assume resident behavior (aside from not having local friends and family, at least, not yet). its not vacation because i'm not squandering money on food or entertainment, but having to economize a lot, and sacrifice time and opportunities to do things the cheap way. while the tendency to be spontaneous does flow in my blood, i just can't develop that lifestyle here in brussels. somewhat, i will, cause i have to live! but a 5 month vacation just won't afford me the same luxury. that is, unless i can find a job.....with french speakers....that pays in euros...
i say its the first day of my memoirs, as i have been motivated by several factors to commence a journal online. usually i hate these things, to be honest, cause they just get so long and are simply extended post cards of events, meal selections, and wishes of goodwill to family and friends. but i want to record some things here that are of significant value to myself. the candor here is an attempt to analyze whats happening to me and how i'm reacting/changing in order to see some truths. my greatest fear is that i'll forget the things i've learned, whether things taught, felt, or understood through self-sacrifice. its just so frustrating to have to relearn, because you know if you had just paid attention and maintained a healthy inventory of your memories, your experiences, you'd remember those things that changed you and why. looking back at new york last summer, i now remember how much i learned and why it was so easy for me to be away from home. being there was paradise, while being at furman is inferno. why? what about my personality hates being at FU, though many of the circumstances are the same?
to make a long story short, i would like to call these my memoirs. i'm an elitist in many ways: i like my expensive soap, my bags carried for me, and my designer clothes (bought on sale of course). and i've been so lucky as to have the opportunity to travel to very popular and exciting destinations: paris, london, oxford, brussels, that i just can't call it a journal. memoirs is definitely more fitting. plus, the word is so presupposing of greatness, of which this journal certainly will not be, and so the peremptory word gives it a bit of irony. for me to presume it a work well-exacted and craftily designed for dramatic purposes, revealing secrets and scandals of a 21 year old girls' life (of utmost significance) or moral truths worthy of notation, i would be so ridiculous. but i love the insinuation. so have fun! i'll be as self-deprecating as possible in order to maintain some humility, but here is my preface: i'm recording my favorite memories as a chance to remember and as an outlet for my wonders. i wander in order to wonder. and that is the essence of travel for me. but thats another story.
qui va promener le chien?
quel est l'avantage d'etudier?
allo, tout le monde! its the first day (and possibly the last) of my so-called memoirs, an attempt to record the random happenings and even possibly significant events which happen to me during my stay in Brussels. after a good two days, i can already conclude that it will not be vacation, and yet, i'm not quite a resident either, although i'll assume resident behavior (aside from not having local friends and family, at least, not yet). its not vacation because i'm not squandering money on food or entertainment, but having to economize a lot, and sacrifice time and opportunities to do things the cheap way. while the tendency to be spontaneous does flow in my blood, i just can't develop that lifestyle here in brussels. somewhat, i will, cause i have to live! but a 5 month vacation just won't afford me the same luxury. that is, unless i can find a job.....with french speakers....that pays in euros...
i say its the first day of my memoirs, as i have been motivated by several factors to commence a journal online. usually i hate these things, to be honest, cause they just get so long and are simply extended post cards of events, meal selections, and wishes of goodwill to family and friends. but i want to record some things here that are of significant value to myself. the candor here is an attempt to analyze whats happening to me and how i'm reacting/changing in order to see some truths. my greatest fear is that i'll forget the things i've learned, whether things taught, felt, or understood through self-sacrifice. its just so frustrating to have to relearn, because you know if you had just paid attention and maintained a healthy inventory of your memories, your experiences, you'd remember those things that changed you and why. looking back at new york last summer, i now remember how much i learned and why it was so easy for me to be away from home. being there was paradise, while being at furman is inferno. why? what about my personality hates being at FU, though many of the circumstances are the same?
to make a long story short, i would like to call these my memoirs. i'm an elitist in many ways: i like my expensive soap, my bags carried for me, and my designer clothes (bought on sale of course). and i've been so lucky as to have the opportunity to travel to very popular and exciting destinations: paris, london, oxford, brussels, that i just can't call it a journal. memoirs is definitely more fitting. plus, the word is so presupposing of greatness, of which this journal certainly will not be, and so the peremptory word gives it a bit of irony. for me to presume it a work well-exacted and craftily designed for dramatic purposes, revealing secrets and scandals of a 21 year old girls' life (of utmost significance) or moral truths worthy of notation, i would be so ridiculous. but i love the insinuation. so have fun! i'll be as self-deprecating as possible in order to maintain some humility, but here is my preface: i'm recording my favorite memories as a chance to remember and as an outlet for my wonders. i wander in order to wonder. and that is the essence of travel for me. but thats another story.
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