Reflections

I wish I could go back six months. Back to July. I would love to relive the last six months because I was on my own in Europe and now I'm beginning to not be. I'm over here, but I'm making plans for the future, rather than out and mingling with its people (ok- i'm doing some of that) and its mostly-interesting museums. My parents and aunt and uncle are putting a lot of pressure on me to find a professional job, which, by all means, is the smartest thing to do. While I'd rather be waitressing and learning Spanish in some little Fort Worth restaurant, thats really not going to pay me anything. But who cares, you say? Why is money an issue? I have so many things already. Yes, you're absolutely right. I have so much debt. And I don't plan on living in mediocrity. A friend of mine and I once had a great misunderstanding about the term 'living simply'. What the hell is that anyway? Can you live simply and live with things? I'm still not totally sure I understand what she was trying to tell me, but from my POV living simply means living with limited desire. Or at least, limited desire for the things that are trivial. Unfortunately, the desires which I have for things that I believe to be for me are indispensable, also happen to be expensive. We have so much desire, but little need, is the truth. But my little need is expensive! I've curbed all the desires I could care less about- possessions, fashion (ok i didnt curb that one, i found a thrift store and a needle and thread) indulgences - but its that what I want for myself in the next few years that are the most expensive. I need an apartment in New York, grad school, loans paid off, and the most important of all...money for dance classes. It would be ideal if you, reader, would like to be my sugar daddy and give me a nice little savings account so I can cross off the method with which I'm supposed to be amassing all this money (a job), which in turn will also give me back all my freedom I will be sacrificing to do it. After another lengthy conversation with the aunt and uncle, one thing I'd been closeting has come to light: I can't make any more ties until I get dance in my life again. I can't marry (I can't even date), can't live in Fort Worth, can't put down roots, really, because these would all be contrary to my pursuit of happiness. Do you see? I may sound crazy, but ultimately, I will be happy. These things are sacrifices for me, too. Don't you think I want to move home, 'be' with somebody, eat regularly? But after so much struggle (the past two years I mean) I can't give up now. These things are dangerous to the lifestyle I want for the next few years. My dance clock is ticking, see. I hope you don't read this and judge me as some neurotic control freak. But if thats what I am, ok. Its just a dream I have. And I think I'm the one who has to make it a priority, or no one else will. I can't expect them to, and can't blame them. I can only blame me. So, please, keep your cake, I don't want any wine, I don't wanna hang out and see if we'll go somewhere, unless you mean literally, as in where you'll follow me. My struggle is that I want to be simple, content, and 'easy-going', and for the most part, on a daily basis I am. But when I catch myself wanting these things on a permanent basis, its then I realize my ambition has somehow seeped away, been absorbed by the lazy freedom of being out of college and away from former authorities, been smothered by the comforting vision of a stable home and family... and I realize I'd much rather continue to be ambitious and determined. Forgive me if I ever have that scary look in my eye, if it flits by when we're hanging out. But the reason my resume looks so good now, which you applaud me for, is cause its always been there, and no matter what I do, will never go away. I just can't be one of those people with little ambition. My Plato's Cave is where the sun is shining and I can almost touch it.