to think of all the time i've wasted, it makes me ill.
i hate to be bitter, but why have i undergone surgery and yet i still am getting the sick feeling? what is wrong with my body? i don't know if i can take it much more. i'm tired of acting like someone i'm not because my body is in survival mode. is it a sign from God? am i not supposed to want to move into the next stage of my life, but remain here forever? i've embraced my current job and current lodgings and really begun to enjoy and partake of each day, but this illness is eating away at me and keeping me from planning for the future. i can't move away if i can't get well. i can't do much at all. maybe this is God breaking me.
its Monday, October 27th. i am 23. i am drinking beer again. i'm sorry to all of you who must deal with my inconsistencies. i want to be able to reach out to others and give. i don't want to be in a cage anymore. i don't want to get drunk to be numb.
if this is all the fault of a certain person, God, I pray that you would remove that problem from my life. if it is not, I pray that you would help me to find a cure. and to be patient again as we begin the search again.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Souvenirs
walking into the first art gallery in my self-guided tour of Bruxelles, discovering it to be a studio specializing in black and white nude female photography. feeling uncomfortable as i underwent a lengthy conversation dominated by the owner.
getting left out in the cold brussels night when the metro stopped 2 before my stop.... wheelin and deelin with the cabbie about picking me up and taking me home instead of his EU client...hoping he really did call a friend cabbie to come get me....raynaud's getting worse... wishing i had a cell and that this homeless man would go away
"stealing"/keeping rental dvds because its too f***ing far to get back and return them
half wishing Jan would ask me to go get a drink, but really just being creeped out by his extremely unhealthy lifestyle (coffee, smoke, repeat), yet still flattered by his poetic and clandestine emails that sometime include pink floyd dedications
addicted to hot baths
listening to ktcu traffic reports
where is Crystal?
what a freak that Mike Warner turned out to be
traveling alone would be better if i knew self-defense and didn't have to compensate with this mace
making rabbit dishes with Mme until she started to get irritable about her impending surgery and yelling at me in front of my friends
regretting that I ever pretended to like le plat "americain" (steak hache/raw ground beef mixed with mayo and onions)...having to eat it multiple times was my punishment
crying my heart out and screaming "have a good time (in french)" in provencal airport because we had to abandon like 4 bottles of wine and i knew what its fate would be
singing to the cabbie to get a 5E discount on our fare
serving pumpkin bread to trick-or-treaters; who knew kids went trick-or-treating in apartment buildings?
calling B&Bs all over Europe with sometimes-operable-Skype
dancing in Barcelona after scouring the city for somewhere decent, while still having the worst case of abdominal burning ever... who am i to give up salsa dancing in barcelona? even if i am incapable (or so i thought) of moving below the waist?
raiding the liquor cabinet when Mme went into the hospital
loving my 10th floor room with a view and my solitude
wild weekends tame a daydreamer's heart and increase productivity M-F
watching friends and the simpson's for the first time (subtitled)
enchanted forest
utmost of obsessions
you have everything to gain by losing
getting left out in the cold brussels night when the metro stopped 2 before my stop.... wheelin and deelin with the cabbie about picking me up and taking me home instead of his EU client...hoping he really did call a friend cabbie to come get me....raynaud's getting worse... wishing i had a cell and that this homeless man would go away
"stealing"/keeping rental dvds because its too f***ing far to get back and return them
half wishing Jan would ask me to go get a drink, but really just being creeped out by his extremely unhealthy lifestyle (coffee, smoke, repeat), yet still flattered by his poetic and clandestine emails that sometime include pink floyd dedications
addicted to hot baths
listening to ktcu traffic reports
where is Crystal?
what a freak that Mike Warner turned out to be
traveling alone would be better if i knew self-defense and didn't have to compensate with this mace
making rabbit dishes with Mme until she started to get irritable about her impending surgery and yelling at me in front of my friends
regretting that I ever pretended to like le plat "americain" (steak hache/raw ground beef mixed with mayo and onions)...having to eat it multiple times was my punishment
crying my heart out and screaming "have a good time (in french)" in provencal airport because we had to abandon like 4 bottles of wine and i knew what its fate would be
singing to the cabbie to get a 5E discount on our fare
serving pumpkin bread to trick-or-treaters; who knew kids went trick-or-treating in apartment buildings?
calling B&Bs all over Europe with sometimes-operable-Skype
dancing in Barcelona after scouring the city for somewhere decent, while still having the worst case of abdominal burning ever... who am i to give up salsa dancing in barcelona? even if i am incapable (or so i thought) of moving below the waist?
raiding the liquor cabinet when Mme went into the hospital
loving my 10th floor room with a view and my solitude
wild weekends tame a daydreamer's heart and increase productivity M-F
watching friends and the simpson's for the first time (subtitled)
enchanted forest
utmost of obsessions
you have everything to gain by losing
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Bonheur
what is the requirement for happiness? or is there not one?
with so many physical problems lately (as compared to my past self) it seems happiness for me is just feeling good, feeling like i'm functioning properly. i hate for my mind to be consumed with problems of my flesh (seems like Jesus had similar reflections). like an old person with a young mind inside an aged body, which is fading and dying, we can't help but surrender to our mortal incapacities. and yet, mind over matter is how i've lived for so long. now, i'm hoping, post-surgery, that i can be completely redeemed of these worries and live life a bit more easily! i just can't help feeling guilty for wanting to be stress-free. i don't guess life really is supposed to be that way. maybe that's why the french translation for happiness is "Good Hour," because happiness isn't necessarily a permanent period. its a lucky or fortunate moment you come upon that must be savoured.
i'll relish in knowing i've been beer-free for over a week now! praise the Lord.
with so many physical problems lately (as compared to my past self) it seems happiness for me is just feeling good, feeling like i'm functioning properly. i hate for my mind to be consumed with problems of my flesh (seems like Jesus had similar reflections). like an old person with a young mind inside an aged body, which is fading and dying, we can't help but surrender to our mortal incapacities. and yet, mind over matter is how i've lived for so long. now, i'm hoping, post-surgery, that i can be completely redeemed of these worries and live life a bit more easily! i just can't help feeling guilty for wanting to be stress-free. i don't guess life really is supposed to be that way. maybe that's why the french translation for happiness is "Good Hour," because happiness isn't necessarily a permanent period. its a lucky or fortunate moment you come upon that must be savoured.
i'll relish in knowing i've been beer-free for over a week now! praise the Lord.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
POV
life is a matter of perspective (duh). but i feel i've misrepresented myself on my blog lately, which is a shame. not because a blog is a witness to my soul, or the innermost dealings of my mind, but because in case i die, i would hate this to be all there is left.
so, suffice it to say i have so many thoughts and so little time. if i had kept a record of all of my thoughts, and kept this on a regular basis, i think i would be more pleased with myself. years from now, when many of these mercurial opinions of mine have gone and all that is left is to help someone else discover their own, i will be glad knowing i have at least the little i have written. there was possibly a less arcane way to say that.
i also don't think i've done a great job recording my favorite memories from my travels, so that may be where i start.
if i were a musician, i would write a song. if an artist, i would create a masterpiece. but since God did at least give me the ability to use a pen (which has become a keyboard since it really is faster), i guess i better use it.
so, suffice it to say i have so many thoughts and so little time. if i had kept a record of all of my thoughts, and kept this on a regular basis, i think i would be more pleased with myself. years from now, when many of these mercurial opinions of mine have gone and all that is left is to help someone else discover their own, i will be glad knowing i have at least the little i have written. there was possibly a less arcane way to say that.
i also don't think i've done a great job recording my favorite memories from my travels, so that may be where i start.
if i were a musician, i would write a song. if an artist, i would create a masterpiece. but since God did at least give me the ability to use a pen (which has become a keyboard since it really is faster), i guess i better use it.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tell Me Why Are We So Blind To See
"Never forget the battles you've fought and won." -Leo McGary, West Wing
"Qui est garde par une etoile ne regarde jamais en arriere." - Leo da Vinci
I am undoubtedly a libra. I've never really put too much stock in the zodiac, but over the past few years, I've come into contact with plenty of people that do. And its starting to make sense in my case. I have definite extremes in my personality and yet I strive for a balance. While you may say that this is common to most people, I don't really think that it is. I consistently am attempting to calm my inner humours by reason and logic. My romantic by the classic. I feel outwardly repressed by conscious decisions, not innate ones. I think, therefore I am. Its a concerted attempt, in other words, to hold myself together. To manage in society. To behave.
Alas. I sometimes think I was more an adult when I was 17 than now. Because now I feel almost like a caged bird. Knowledge is power, or is it torture?
Do I want responsibility or do I want slow and easy? I'm supposed to be living in the moment. Live for now, appreciate this day, don't wish it away (a time for everything under heaven). That is my mantra....la vie en rose. La vie en rose. La vie en rose. But whenever I try, I get feedback from someone who makes me feel ashamed of myself, of my job. Its hard to relax when you're constantly pressed to move forward.
This 24th year will be for me. For making decisions according to my personal agenda. Out of debt, and bien dans ma peau. Then, I will be able to care better for others around me.
"Qui est garde par une etoile ne regarde jamais en arriere." - Leo da Vinci
I am undoubtedly a libra. I've never really put too much stock in the zodiac, but over the past few years, I've come into contact with plenty of people that do. And its starting to make sense in my case. I have definite extremes in my personality and yet I strive for a balance. While you may say that this is common to most people, I don't really think that it is. I consistently am attempting to calm my inner humours by reason and logic. My romantic by the classic. I feel outwardly repressed by conscious decisions, not innate ones. I think, therefore I am. Its a concerted attempt, in other words, to hold myself together. To manage in society. To behave.
Alas. I sometimes think I was more an adult when I was 17 than now. Because now I feel almost like a caged bird. Knowledge is power, or is it torture?
Do I want responsibility or do I want slow and easy? I'm supposed to be living in the moment. Live for now, appreciate this day, don't wish it away (a time for everything under heaven). That is my mantra....la vie en rose. La vie en rose. La vie en rose. But whenever I try, I get feedback from someone who makes me feel ashamed of myself, of my job. Its hard to relax when you're constantly pressed to move forward.
This 24th year will be for me. For making decisions according to my personal agenda. Out of debt, and bien dans ma peau. Then, I will be able to care better for others around me.
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